Since Friday, I have been holed up in my condo caring for a new pet. Or at least I'd like to think so. You see, on Friday my wonderfully caring wife begged me to go to the Emergency Room to solve the mystery of my burning belly. For months I had complained of fire gut and took Tums like a Deadhead takes acid. After I began resembling an Englishman who just moved to his empire's outpost in 19th Century Africa with dysentery, I gave in. My belly had been a achin'! Alas, despite drinking some toxic cocktail they gave me, the staff at Northwestern Memorial was dismissive and quick to point out that they couldn't do anything without setting up 10 Grand worth of expensive camera tests (Ones you swallow, One that go up yer kiester, ones that make you sterile, etc....) and it would be best to just get some R&R (Which in my line of work means No $$$$) and call a GI Specialist immediately. I got all excited at the idea of fighting Cobra Commander and Destro but the nurse clarified that a GI Specialist would not be fighting half the battle. That it was in fact (sigh) a GastroIntestinal Specialist. Cursing Serpentor, I went home and began making preparations for the cameramen I would encounter over the next week.
As I was saving the lives of millions on Call of Duty 4, it occurred to me that maybe in fact I had become a host to a small creature that was just looking for a little love. I mean, I do eat alot of Sushi and cook my meat to RARE. Why couldn't a small little tapeworm just nestle its cute white fangs into the nether regions of my colon*? So, now as I remain in my reclusive hideaway, playing games that no grown man should admit to playing, I have come to accept that we might have a new addition to our family. Thus, we thought the following would be appropriate to send to all our loved ones.....
"Barfy"
4 1/2 Feet, Weight Unknown
Pink Eyes, White fangs, Red Hairs
Happy Vomiting!(* We don't know what's wrong yet...this was just for shits and giggles so don't be overly concerned....)
i'm far more concerned for your mental health than your colonic health. you write like a nerdy dennis miller.
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