The Confession of a TechnoSexual: Bi-Formatal Fantasies

(Screen shot from Blade Runner: The Final Cut HD-DVD on my Samsung 5087)

I believe in Blu-Ray. I have to. I don't have a choice anymore. I have spent thousands of hard earned dollars attempting to embrace the arrival of High Definition. I looked at the evidence and sided with HD DVD nearly a year ago. Now, HD DVD has been all but obliterated by Warner Bros. decision to end the "Format War" once and for all by siding with Blu-Ray. Upon reading the devastating news this past weekend, I looked at my wife like a sad puppy and said "That's it. I give up. We're getting a Playstation 3." For months we had been contemplating becoming a bi-format couple. It seemed kinda sexy. We could order either format from NetFlix and call ourselves Purple. Tech Heads refer to it as "Format Neutral". I prefer Bi-formatal. Neutrality infers that you just don't care either way. But after spending all those Benjamins, I would say that I care very much. "Bi-Formatal" says that I will swing either way with enthusiasm.

Picture is everything to me. I can't stand looking through grainy ISO 1600 concert photos in Lightroom after watching an hour of HDTV. The clarity, the depth, the color. I want it all! Its better than life, really. When we got our 50" Samsung DLP, I bought it with the intention of inviting Eliab Alvarez from Avical.com to our home to tweak the set. Basically, I paid $400 for a technician from New York to come and attack my TV with lasers and spectroscopes and doo hickeys that changed the resolution from a "Wow, that's a nice picture." to "Holy Fucking Crap Balls of Fire! What fucking spaceship did you rob to get this otherworldly picture machine in your condo?" Eliab came in the end of July and we can't believe what happened to our beloved TV. Basically, these HDTVs have ridiculous settings that are awful and ruin the lamps/plasma/lcd out of the box. With a bit of tender loving care, Eliab calibrated it to perfection. I watched him do it over the 3 1/2 hours it took to fine tune everything. Now, the wife and I can't leave the house. (Directly related item: We have been spending more time in the gym due to our first few months with our new "baby") We have a picture that takes our guests breaths away. We walk through brick and mortar stores and poo-poo all the display pictures. Over the holidays, I had to bite my tongue on more than one occasion as my uncles showed off their crappy pictures on their $2500 HDTVs. We laughed in our car all the way home, eager to get within the warm 5400K glow of our beloved electric child.

But that laughter would be muffled by the whimpering cry of our Toshiba HD-A2 HD-DVD player. You see, it knew the end was nigh and could sense a baby brother was coming home soon. Now, I didn't put th PS3 in the same rack, knowing that the A2 would feel inferior without its studio backing. (Update: Paramount just renegged out of their deal with HD-DVD, hammering the nail into the glorious coffin) We put the Playstation 3 on the other side of the console, where its shiny body could shine beneath the twisted rope lights that illuminate our puzzle bookcase. The Wii and 360 cower to its beauty. I have to admit, the machine is nothing short of impressive. I suddenly realized that not only are we a bi-format couple, but we're also a tri-console family. We have officially purchased all of the latest offerings from the world of digital entertainment. My appetite for hi def glory is not a solitary one, mind you. The In-Laws have been making more and more trips down to revel in our magic movie machine. Now that we have a new baby, I better change the locks. God knows we don't want our parents walking in on our bi-format escapades, let alone any kinky Tri-Console shennanigans.